Full of Grace
by soulful-sin
Summary: Sasha Vortex is a bitter woman who expects the best out of her daughter and pushes her not only to excell, but to knock her opposition out of the park. Yet every 'villain' has a past. And behind hers is the twisted love she never had.


Author's Note: I rather like how this one comes out. I know that sounds pompous, but I don't always like how stories turn out. At any rate, y'all can thank qwerty-kitties for helping me come up with this by playing around with what might have happened to make Sasha like this. Go read her stories! I COMMAND YOU!

At any rate, read hers and Trixie21, whom I'm plugging for no real reason but because she rocks. Oh, and the quote about not hugging your kids came from John Watson, a behaviorist. Yes, he really did say that.

I'll shut up now. JN belongs to John A. Davis. His characters are my puppets. Dance, puppets!

Full of Grace

One mistake sets the ball rolling. It spirals towards the pins, but, if you luck out, it'll roll into the gutter. Unfortunately, not all mistakes pan out. Some knock out a few pins and others give you a strike. The strike could mean you win the game…or lose. Because life isn't exactly like bowling- a strike doesn't always equal instant fame. Unless, of course, it's of the inauspicious nature.

* * *

Thirty three years old, Sasha Vortex stopped believing in true love a long time ago. True love happened to other people, possibly her daughter (but not if she could help it). Others might suppose she had married her true love and thus, birthed Cindy out of affection. This, after all, happened naturally and its ample evidence explained Jimmy, Carl, Libby, and Sheen. Children were supposed to be born out of adoration and 'making love'. 

Ha. Sasha scoffed at the notion. She'd never made love. She'd had sex. Why fancy up the term? Call it what it truly was. Perhaps she ought to deem it 'fornication'. Yes. She'd fornicated and out came Cindy.

If the notion sounded vulgar, she apologized, but Sasha demanded harshness daily. She expected the best out of her offspring and thus, tolerated no less. Her daughter would be a star and fulfill the life Sasha had inadvertently sullied. She would rise above her humble beginnings and become more than the girl born out of wedlock; the bastard child. Because that was what Cindy Vortex was- illegitimate.

Perhaps she ought to backtrack and explain herself adequately. Lately, all she'd done was seethe, recanting the past and its horrible impact. Recalling just what went wrong and how she could have fixed it. The many, many ways in which she could have regained her glory. She used to enjoy it all and then, along with Cindy, her world came crashing down.

Grabbing her binoculars, she glanced out her window and saw Cindy and Jimmy arguing. The two bickered like an old married couple. An old married couple…

Curses, how had she reminded herself of it again? And Jimmy, despite his large head, resembled _him. _Sasha seethed, nails scratching across. Looking at him always enraged her. He wasn't worthy of her daughter just like Hugh wasn't worthy of _her_. But Hugh would never remember that. Because she'd never told him.

* * *

It was the seventies. Bell bottoms and disco ruled the era along with flighty females and the popular group in Retroville High School. Sasha valued her education and excelled whatever subject she tried. However, her aloof attitude meant she had few friends and most of them she could hardly call friends. More like acquaintances; people to whom you say hello when you pass. If you feel like it. Sasha seldom felt like it. 

She prized her grades and knew she'd do well. Save for that clod in her classes, Hugh Neutron, with whom she always argued because his laid back attitude and childishness irritated the crap out of her, she enjoyed school. She relished attacking people's foolishly held opinions in debate, ensnaring teachers in errors, and boasting of her intellect. After all, she _was _the smartest girl in school.

Far too smart to tangle with any of the men, in fact. Although others called her 'dyke' for publicly spurning any advances, she considered men a weakness. Sure, her hormones dictated she ought to be attracted to them, but she would overcome them too. Hormones distracted her; she demanded they cease and they would obey her. She mandated her own life. Hormones were but a small fraction of it.

She saw others and their foolish endeavors and how they ended up. With children, a mortgage, and their husband, a ball and chain. With God as her witness, she swore she would never have a child. Children vexed her; their constant desires, their imperfection- who could find them anything other than bothersome? Children had irked her when she was one. She couldn't wait to be rid of them for good.

Staring at herself in the mirror, she adjusted a minor flaw and smirked, posing. Behind her, others remarked on her vanity and she scoffed, ignoring them. She would always have a perfect hourglass figure and prostrate about Retroville with it. Others who disliked it were merely envious and why should she care what they thought of her? The only people who mattered were her teachers, her soon to be college professors, and then, whatever power came her way.

She _would _have power and in multitudes. It would bestow her with the remaining approval she desperately sought, although never verbalized. Growing up, her parents had disdained her and demanded she accomplish everything and anything according to their impossible standards. If she ruled the world, perhaps then they would finally approve. Needless to say, she disliked her parents with great intensity. If she had children to carry on her legacy, for whatever reason she stamped them with her name and then passed them onto a nanny to raise, she would imbue them with these morals. Forced excellence brought out the best in people.

Sasha smirked, amending her ponytail once more, and strolled leisurely to chemistry. Along the way, she passed Judy and Hugh, the latter of whom flirted blatantly with the pretty, petite chestnut haired girl with green eyes. Everyone knew of Hugh's crush on Judy; the boy had made it abundantly clear years ago when he proposed to her on the elementary school playground. They called it 'puppy love'- Sasha called it a mental illness. You'd never find _her _drooling over a pathetic boy like that. Especially not one as infantile and preoccupied with ducks and pies as Hugh Neutron. No, boys were not for her.

What was worse, in Sasha's eyes, was that Judy apparently liked him back. She giggled, batting him playfully, and teased him openly. Sasha despised people like that. Didn't they have any decency? They were in the middle of a school hallway, not in a deserted hotel room. Public displays of affection belonged in the same category as mental illness, a.k.a. love and, thus, nauseated her. She glared at the pair and stomped off to her class before she was late again. She had to find a new way to arrive there because every time she did, she crossed _their _path. Chemistry belonged to science, not people.

* * *

A B on her report card flashed at her like a blemish on perfect skin. All right, so it was a B, but her mother wouldn't see the plus. She'd notice the B and scream, rant, and rave. Nothing Sasha ever handed her was good enough. When she was younger, she asked her if _she _was good enough. "Not quite." 

Sighing, she walked home and glared hatefully at Hugh Neutron's house, down the block from her own. Perhaps she ought to tell him off for bringing down her grade point average and ruining her chances of gaining her mother's approval. Yes, she would. How dare he be ignorant of the fact his charm and good looks distracted her. How dare he act like the only girl entitled to be attracted to him was Judy.

How dare…

Sasha stopped dead, appalled. Her heart skipped a beat and she leaned on a nearby lamp post. Willing herself to calm down, she frightfully worked out her latest train of thought. She'd acquiesced desire towards Hugh Neutron. Hugh, the clod whom she had threatened to no avail throughout middle school and who burrowed under her skin. Hugh. _Him_. No, it had to be erroneous. Hugh belonged in Judy's thoughts, not hers.

"Well, hey, Sasha, what's shakin'?" Hugh called and Sasha gritted her teeth. Brandishing her report card, she thrust it in his face.

"Do you see _this_?" she snapped, as if the teenage boy had a choice with it shoved against his bulbous nose. He blinked, politely bewildered, and examined it. She tapped an impatient foot and then yanked it out of his hands. He'd probably smudge it.

"Maybe you should arrange a study session with me and Judy!" he said enthusiastically and she longed to cram the paper down his throat. Was he that oblivious? Didn't he comprehend what B spelled for her? How could he stand there, grinning from ear to ear, and blissfully ignorant of her fate? How could he act like a B was _normal_?

And a study session? She was no fool. Study sessions were thinly disguised make out sessions. Though she wouldn't mind one with him.

_No! _She screamed at herself and ground her nails into her palms. _Ye gods, what's wrong with me? _

_These thoughts, these feelings…no, no, no!_

Hugh blinked innocently, prodding her when she remained mum. She was too busy mentally berating herself to notice him and jumped, startled. Her green eyes widened and she did something she never considered possible for her- she blushed. Gasping, alarmed, she recoiled, stepping backwards until she spurted the yards to her house. The report card fell out of her hands and drifted lazily towards the grass. Hugh picked it up and waved merrily.

"Okay, I'll see you later!"

Clueless.

* * *

Her mother's incurred wrath was nothing to her own inner turmoil. Slamming her head hopelessly against the wall, Sasha told herself that it was nothing but a judgment lapse. Love would certainly never happen to her. She'd beaten hormones; she would defeat this too. Besides, Hugh Neutron? Surely she could select better. 

But love never really gave you the chance to choose, did it? It threw you headlong at someone and if you weren't right for them or they loved someone else, then you were screwed, weren't you?

* * *

The horrid contemplations escalated throughout the following months and by the time they entered their senior year, Sasha realized she had to do something about it. She had to nip this before it became a full blossom and thus, impossible to eradicate. Therefore, she asked her last acquaintance to perform whatever she deemed necessary to rid her of her growing affection towards Hugh. Of course, she never mentioned whom she liked, but it hadn't mattered. The attempt fell woefully short. 

Her grades suffered, too. Now, instead of reigning at the head of her class, she competed neck and neck with Judy. Rumor had it that Judy's family carried some sort of 'genius gene', but whatever the case, it drove Sasha to greater studying and desperate endeavors to bring the girl down a peg. Sasha relished the look on her face when she beat her, but Judy was a graceful loser. Judy never rubbed it in.

But Judy had something Sasha could never hope to acquire. Hugh. The boy, already smitten, had asked her if, after college, they could be man and wife. Unlike his elementary school proposal, he said it in full solemnity and Judy accepted. And Sasha quietly deteriorated.

It had started with her grades, but elevated into a fierce, all out war between her and Judy. No holds barred and she _would _destroy her. Rivals existed for a reason- to teach others' that they must be beaten until they can no longer stand. Her mother had imprinted that in her and she believed it whole heartedly. Until Judy's standing was utterly demolished, she would continue to devastate her. She hated her more than life itself.

Unfortunately, while the rivalry made perfect sense to Sasha, the rest didn't. She'd tried asking her mother, but received the customary "you can't love him" response. Back then, she'd scoffed at the notion of falling for Hugh in the first place. He was clueless, goofy, and eccentric. Yet he had that charm that wormed its way over her and here she was, ready to tear his girlfriend's throat out.

They wound up in a stand-off, a few days before school's end and subsequent graduation. Judy asked her what it would take to cease this once and for all and Sasha had done something she vowed never to do. Her mother had instilled in her that physical violence belonged to the pagans and the uncivilized, not a proper young lady like Sasha. Therefore, she shouldn't have hit her. And certainly not _that _hard, because she sent her flying into the water fountain.

A hush fell over the gathered crowd and Hugh stepped forward, protecting Judy with his body if need be. Judy rose, eyes narrowed to slits and ready to fight.

"I'm ashamed of you," Hugh said to Sasha and her heart sunk into her stomach. She naturally suppressed its outermost signs and her head stayed haughtily high. Nonetheless, she observed the way Hugh superficially examined Judy, even though Judy wasn't seriously hurt. The careful administrations, the love in his eyes. The love that would never be directed at Sasha.

Sasha gritted her teeth and scoffed, pivoting and ready to leave. But Hugh wasn't finished.

"Leave _us _alone."

The 'us' halted her mid-step and she gazed at Hugh. Her heart skipped a beat. That 'us' sounded downright hostile. Like the world consisted of Hugh and Judy, no one else. And truly, didn't it? Hadn't they carved a little realm all their own? And what was Sasha but an interloper?

"I never asked for your attention."

Unwanted. That's what she was, wasn't it? Incredibly hurt, wishing her feelings would vanish like they had in the past, Sasha scoffed and spurted out of there. Her high heels smacked against the linoleum tiles and, though she feigned indifference, inside, all she saw were Hugh's accusing eyes and the knowledge that there was nothing left.

* * *

Tonight, years after their graduation, Sasha drank to forget. Naturally, she avoided alcohol and its intoxications, both literal and metaphorical, but she needed it. She yearned for its sweet release from her unrequited love, Judy and Hugh's announced wedding, and her mother's demands that she marry when she hadn't cared before. The contradiction shocked her, but it hadn't affected her as badly as the notion she was losing Hugh forever. Even though she'd never had him to begin with. 

Nursing vodka, Sasha stared blearily at the ceiling of a place she couldn't for the life of her identify. Her mother would frown upon this type of behavior, but right now, immured in misery, Sasha honestly couldn't give a damn. She wanted this to end. She wanted to start the numbness and forget the anguish.

A man approached her; his sandy brown hair reminded her of Hugh and, tipsy, she sat up straighter. Although his build was stocky, her increasingly altered perceptions transformed him into Hugh. He grinned at her and she grinned back. The smile felt alien on her face, alcohol or no. She couldn't recall ever smiling at a male

He was drunk a bit too; otherwise he never would have considered this. Truthfully, he'd harbored a crush on Sasha for a while, but never dared tell her. Sasha frightened him off with her flippant attitude and callous remarks. Yet tonight, she openly invited him to sit beside her and drink to forget. It seemed to be tonight's recipe and she ordered seconds and thirds. Wasn't alcohol a wondrous thing?

He kissed her and she let him. He led her to his car and then to a cheap motel. The last thing she remembered of that night was floating along and thinking, _Someone wants me…_

* * *

"You stupid girl! You got yourself pregnant!" 

The words reverberated throughout the household and Sasha hung her head, ashamed. Four weeks had passed since Sasha's last period and, ever vigilant, her mother had taken her to the doctor to discover, alas, the twenty-two year old was indeed expecting. This had commenced a two hour berating that left Sasha bitter and irritated with the world. This wasn't how life was supposed to go. She had a _plan_, damn it. What had happened to it?

At least the culprit remembered more of that night and offered to marry her. Sasha refused, or, rather, she had until her mother insisted she keep the baby. The Neutrons were expecting soon, too, after all.

The _Neutrons_. The very title induced uncontrollable rage and Sasha had to slowly calm herself down lest she hurt the baby. The baby, that stupid thing that she'd never wanted in the first place. And if she had desired it, it was with Hugh, not this clod. This nameless buffoon who only got her 'knocked up' because she was foolish enough to inebriate herself.

She'd take his name, all right, if only because it separated her past life from her future. By becoming a Vortex, she would forget her old longings and thrust herself whole heartedly into raising a child. The child she'd never desired and now, found herself saddled with. She'd show her the dangers of falling in love and how it destroyed you. She'd show her why the Neutrons were bad news, all of them, including their unborn son.

* * *

When Cindy was born, the Neutrons had already moved out of Retroville. The house in which Hugh had grown up belonged to his parents and, by moving to an apartment, he wished to show his independence. Sasha missed him terribly, but she had to adjust to her new life as her daughter's servant. She'd stopped running whenever she cried, however. Sometimes, although her husband was aghast, Sasha let Cindy cry for hours on end. 

"Hugging your children will condition them to want affection. Don't hug them."

* * *

Sasha was secretly proud of her work. Cindy was the smartest girl in her class, just like her mother had been before Hugh arrived. And it would stay that way, too, because the Neutrons were gone. There was no one to challenge her.

* * *

Then there was. After Hugh's father died, his mother moved into a retirement home and bequeathed the house to him. Thus, the Neutrons returned to Retroville and Sasha taught her daughter to hate Jimmy. The boy who shouldn't exist. The boy who had usurped Sasha's place at Hugh's side. She told her to use whatever dirty tricks she could and treat him not like a person, but an object of derision. His intellect surpassed Cindy's and Sasha encouraged her daughter to hit him where he was weak. 

She hated Judy and Jimmy equally, but she hid it rather well, she felt. This was the life she'd molded for herself. This was her penance.

* * *

But Cindy was falling into the same trap as her. The Neutron boys held a certain charm, didn't they? Because Cindy was in love with Jimmy the same as her mother had loved Hugh. Sasha flung the binoculars to the floor in disgust and darted to the door. It was time to have another talk with Cindy about why Jimmy should never be with her. 

It might be unfair to her, but she'd learn. There was no such thing as true love. Only misery and unwanted children. She'd been raised knowing this and it was time Cindy did too.

"You were a mistake, Cindy."

* * *

Children didn't like to hear such things, but she had to accustom herself to the truth. Lies captivated you and the truth set you free. Knowing the origins of her birth would tell Cindy everything she needed to know about Jimmy's family. And maybe, just maybe, she'd avoid her path. 

Love had never done a thing for her. It would never help Cindy. Love didn't exist except on Hallmark cards.

"Don't love Jimmy. You need only yourself. Because this too, shall pass, my child."

* * *


End file.
